dulcius ex asperis

preparation for a non-consumer

2012-01-22T08:41:00.003Z

Eight weeks left! Yikes - eight weeks!!!! The closer we get to the birth, the more people want to give you all sorts of advice and comments that so obviously reflect their desires or opinions, not generic ones. I just have to laugh - especially when it's people who I have no respect for, especially in the child raising stakes. It is funny when you're going to do something that they obviously didn't do and are almost annoyed at you for planning on. For example, we're going to use reusable diapers/nappies. This seems to be a big deal and people are almost annoyed by it. As if because they didn't do it, we shouldn't be attempting it. The amount of comments I get like, "oh you'll give up on that in a few weeks" or "you'll not like doing that", aren't the most encouraging. But frankly, if our mum's generation all did it, it's not that big of a deal. They're certainly more convenient than they were when I was a child.

As we prep and plan in these last few weeks, we are beginning to realise more and more how much "Stuff" people buy for their kids or think we should buy for this baby. Of course, there are some things that will be helpful and although sort of 'extra' will be of good use. I like those things. But really, this baby isn't even going to remember if it has stuff or not, so why start at the beginning to teach it about consumerism? And do things really have to be brand new?! Ok, I'll admit we have bought some things new - our pram and car seat are new. But we bought them on offer and they ended up being cheaper new than had we bought them second hand. But we have enough 'stuff' without making our child a consumeristic entity.

So my goal is not to accumulate a whole load of "stuff" for this child. I'm happy for it to have what it needs and enjoy it and won't deprive it, but I am also happy to try and keep people from giving 'stuff', just for the sake of it. I know it's tempting, but let's look at necessity here. It's going to have a warm and dry place to sleep and plenty to eat with clean water. Now really, what more does it need besides our love and care?

early morning 23.12.11

2011-12-23T02:43:00.001Z

In lying awake for several hours tonight and mulling over my sorrow with the Lord, I was reminded of a moment I had on Cave Hill all those years ago before moving here. I said to God that my heart would break and I would be broken if I moved here. He said, no, it was His heart and He that would break. If I would stand on Him, the shock waves wouldn't break me, but would go through me to Him.

8 years on from that moment I feel like I'm breaking. The reason I thought I was supposed to live here has never materialised; the things I think I can offer, no one wants. Do I feel like I'm breaking cause I'm trying to 'do it myself'? Am I really not letting God take the hit and am relying on myself?

I don't even know what to do to try and 'fix' things. In 3 months I'm going to become a mother. A mother in what very much seems to be an isolated existence. How did missionaries do it when they were completely by themselves and the only 'normal' communication they had was a letter that took months to reach them? Well, they did it by relying wholly on the Lord, so I must continue to try and learn that, focus on that, and have that be the reason for all.

And hope in doing that I find the comfort the Psalmist found when He wrote: 'He will not let your foot slip, behold He who keeps you will neither slumber nor sleep.'

how much?

2011-03-25T18:50:00.005Z

I'm always amazed at what people write on their blogs. They seem so interesting and open - my posts always feel a bit stilted. You see, being so open on something that is as public as a blog is something that I struggle with doing. Do I really tell people - the general public - whoever might happen upon this - what is really happening to my life, my heart, my....everything?

Do I tell you that I'm rather distracted and disturbed by life? That I'm always lonely and frustrated that I have no friends? That I get frustrated that people who say they are fellow believers here don't seem to care about actually living for God? That I'm living on a shred of hope that someday I really might conceive? That when I smell the wind and see the light through the trees my heart pounds with its beauty? That I have a dream someday I will be useful in ways I will be able to see? That I hate this land and love it? That my confusion isn't because of what I don't know, but what I do?

travelling...

2011-03-25T18:13:00.004Z

This week I'm heading to London for a few meetings. Times like this I love my job. I get to meet up with people who have jobs I think are incredibly fascinating and see if I can get them telling stories. The only odd thing about it is that I am usually the only female. Granted, how many women actually do work in the government/utility industries? Not many. So I end up being surrounded by men (most of whom are old enough to be my dad) and laughing at how nearly over-protective they are. There are a few who seem to think that I actually know what I'm talking about and listen to my views - this is always nice. But there are a lot more who give off the impression of "oh bless, isn't she cute playing at this? we'd better humour her." I distinctly dislike this side of things. It's not like it's MY fault I'm young and female. Sheesh, gimme a couple years and it'll sort itself out...at least the young bit. (hehehe)

Then there are ones like this one who seems to think that my only reason for being in London should be to go out for a drink with him and that I work too much. He doesn't seem to get that his attention is unwanted and definitely unlooked for. How many times do you have to say "no thank you" before someone gets the idea that you're not going to go? Obviously more than I have already said - silly man, it's not going to happen.

But even so, I am going to enjoy this trip - staying with great friends, sushi lunches with people who make me laugh and a little bit of Anna Chapman.

dreaming of planting

2011-01-08T16:06:00.005Z

It's January. That month when the plants are either leaf-less or seemingly dead. Every plant I have is struggling to survive the harsh cold we're experiencing. With the country's water supply system in literal pieces and my office under review with their dealing of the situation, I dream of freshness...of spring, of summer, of what it will produce for me.

Even though most of my plant are dead, there are a few who are brave enough to flaunt their heart in the face of the cold. My daffodils are already peaking forth from below the frosted ground. The willow in the corner of the garden still hides the tiny birds and has started to produce a string of buds, once more showing it's hardiness. Despite being covered in snow and ice for two weeks, as few of the herbs aren't completely frozen. And so I wait to see what will survive the winter.

But while I wait, I dream of my garden. Of what I will plant...and my seeds have arrived!

I might have gone a little over board this year. Last year I had two beds and a load of pots strewn around the garden. This year I'll plan better. While I'll still do onions, even thought they take up so much room, I'll not have shallots this year. They will have to wait until I have a proper, big garden with more than two small beds. I'll have Oregon Sugar Pod peas again, but put them at the back of the bed where they won't block the sun (beginners mistake last year), radishes and carrots will go in right away and will be planted two or three times as they ripen, while I'll not make the mistake of having dill in the bed again. Last year it tried to take over, so I'll keep it in a well watered pot, along with the gerkins. Lettuce gets a couple plantings over the course of the summer/autumn so it'll be a nice mix over the time. French beans (not the mini plants this year, but proper climbers, and broccoli will fill the rest of the beds.

I think my favourites are the potatoes...they go in the bags and I have extra bags this year so hope to have lots more than last year - just need to figure out how to store them afterward.

I also got flowers this year...seeds and will be getting plants. This will take some sorting as I've not got enough pots to plan all these, but might try to convince A to build me a raised flower bed against the back fence.

Hopefully this will all work. I'd like to go pickles again this year with the gerkins, only more than 5 jars. They turned out pretty well, taste-wise. Maybe cooked a bit long.

changing seasons or jack of all trades...

2010-12-17T18:00:00.003Z

It's snowing....lots. Unusual for us, but apparently not this winter as we've already had a bout of snow, which then melted and has now returned with a vengeance. Such a vengeance that A is stuck in England. Two flights canceled and he's now hired a car and trying to drive several hundred miles north to catch a ferry. If he gets the ferry he'll be back to NI sometime in the early hours of the morning. Fun - or something. At least he's with a co-worker.

I'm enjoying 6+ inches of snow and it's still falling. It slightly amuses me that the whole of the UK stutters to a halt with a bit of snow. I realise that putting the several million into the infrastructure would be impractical, so I'm not advocating that by any means. But really, snow isn't that big of a deal - put it in a low gear, go slow and don't stop - you'll be fine. Or just get out and walk. There is just no need for this widespread panic.

As the season becomes harshly winter, I remember times in my life when everything was like the death of winter. But even through times when there seemed to be no growth, roots were pushing deeper and eventually, small bits of green growth started to show. My life has been a dramatically changing season the past year. Recently, I've been finding it difficult to put words to thoughts, almost as if my brain is struggling to remember the basics of my mother tongue. This has happened a few times in my life, but never with such strength as it is currently. My husband assures me it's only because my brain is being stretched to it's limit with my job, and once that becomes more 'normal' instead of being a constant struggle, my brain will accept those things that I've known all my life. It better do that, otherwise I'm going to wander about trying to think of the word for 'toilet-roll'. :)

But seasons bring such interesting changes and through provoking ones at that. the past several weeks has brought thoughts of 'being content' and 'settling where planted'. Wanting to do everything has always been something I've had to watch out for. Jack of all trades, master of none, has always been an appropriate moniker for me. Not something of which I'm terribly proud. But I'm trying to settle down and focus on what's in front of me. Not to waste opportunities or forget that there are things right in front of me that I need to do, and do well. I need to not be selfish and keep looking always ahead, but look at the current season and see what I need to be putting myself into.

I'm wondering, though, if it's time I took a step back from some things. I want to make sure that I'm not pulling back from things and then filling my time wastefully. But there are a few things that perhaps are no longer necessary. The new year will be a good, natural time to re-evaluate.

Lynnie

2010-11-18T18:27:00.002Z

My friend is really sick. She has a brain tumour. Oh, my heart aches. And she? She is beauty personified. She continues to love, to believe, to encourage, to laugh.

She is a hero.

cultivating when I grow up...

2010-09-18T19:11:00.001+01:00

cultivating when I grow up...
Whenever I was younger I wanted to be a lot of different things. There's a picture of me about aged 5 dressed in a paramedic jacket and a hard hat in the Children's Museum in Mpls. Then I wanted to be a baseball player like Kirby Puckett...only I wasn't short, round, or black...hmmmm, this meant I needed to choose another career.

The ideas were from one side of the spectrum to another, from being a teacher, an architect, a fighter pilot, a doctor, a nurse, in the army, a business woman, a writer, a translator, a paramedic, a linguist...

And now I am a civil servant, I work in an office most days, dealing with a utility industry and bemoaning the fact that I still wonder what I want to be when I grow up. One thing I have discovered about myself through all this is that I actually LIKE change. Yes, odd, isn't it? After being in my current job for only three years, I wonder about doing something else. Yet one of the things about the civil service that I dislike, is the fact that one is moved every several years to a different post in order to gain more stills so one can move to the next grade level. I would prefer to gain knowledge in an area and then be promoted on merit as I am more useful to the company. No such luck here.

As I think about what I do and what about my job attracts me, I wonder if it's just that I feel like it's useful and I'm (slightly) making a difference. In reality, I struggle to be inside the bulk of the day, and I want to be doing something that is changing the Kingdom of God.

I've decided recently that I'm going to start learning to do new things or reinforce some things that I already know and want to be able to do again or do more fully. Seeing as I am not sure "what I'm supposed to be when I grow up", I'm going to teach myself how to do new things and see what happens.

like knitting and going back to studying languages and get stuck into 'studying' the Bible rather than just 'reading' the Bible.

days like this

2010-09-02T22:02:00.004+01:00

There are days when the smallest things hit me like a tonne of bricks. And days when nothing touches me. Today was a bizarre combination of the two.

I had two quite serious meetings at work today. One involved my Director (the head of my Division) and a Director and the Chief Exec of the company with which we do business. It was a necessary meeting. But it shouldn't have happened. The work should have been carried out at lower levels without having to get these two men involved. But the work didn't happen, and so the meeting. It was rather uncomfortable at times. My boss making the case, their Director making the case against it. Me bringing some facts to the table and then their CE quietly telling their Director what they were going to do and basically pulled rank (as he should be able to do) and agreed to do what we said they must do. So a result, but an awkward one. I don't like seeing people put into that position where someone else has to put them down into their place. Especially as this Director is nearly 30 years my senior and very senior to me in work terms.

The other meeting involved the same company, only different staff. It started at 1400 and I left at 1615 while the meeting was still going on! It was useful information, but what was must more useful was the information they didn't 'try' to give, those comments that are dropped in conversation that aren't looked for.

The whole experience today was tiring. And I got home and got some news that hit me like a tonne of bricks. It was something I was neither expecting to hear, nor have the effect on me that it did. That was a surprise, and I don't like to be surprised at how I respond to things. For a moment I thought I had lost hope. But that is silly. There is no reason to do that. Especially when in reality I'm very pleased by this news...it just was also difficult to hear.

So I'm at the end of the day. I'm tired, I feel like I'm running on empty. And tomorrow is another day of it. Good thing it's the weekend, but my goodness I almost feel like I need a good cry.

sometimes we just need a bit of nature...

2010-08-21T18:06:00.002+01:00

While away with work, my colleague decided we needed to stop here and realise there is more to life than our jobs....

work v life

2010-08-21T12:44:00.002+01:00

It's been a really hectic last number of months. I've come to find that my current bit of life revolves around my job - something that has never occurred before.

Responsibility is up, as are my stress levels (another job aspect that is new). The past couple weeks have been a bit of a discovery time: 1) always cover your own back (eg keep all correspondence so when your boss wants a history of your project you can go back to everything. 2) people don't tend to like you if you're telling them to do something they don't want to do. even if you're bound by law to tell them and they're bound by law to do it.

On the other side of all this stress has been the absolute joy to work with a 'new' colleague. Unfortunately, my new colleague doesn't work in office, so although we talk on the phone nearly every day, we're not normally face to face. I've never before met someone and immediately wanted them to be my boss. This man is that person. But out of a work relationship has built a really lovely friendship. Even more so that his wife and my husband have come into it and we've moved past "work" to become friends. Makes keeping work, work quite interesting, but I can cope with that.

The downside of all this is that work has really taken over in ways it hasn't before. Way more hours than desired, although necessary to get certain aspects done, and thus the non-work aspects of life have sort of fallen by the way-side.

Work / life balance needs some focus.

living

2010-08-10T21:17:00.001+01:00

sitting in an office building. it's grim, there is little light, the people around me are not friends, the light coming in through the window filters through the multi-story car park. it's sometimes interesting, sometimes fun, rarely boring. but is it life?

they're selfish, they're lazy, they don't like You, they don't like what You want. they laugh at me for loving You and trying to live like You.

but across the road sits my friend in heartbreak. next to me sits a man who isn't well but lives in disappointment and long buried hopes.

why do we live the way the world says we should. why does he sit next to me in hate of his job and not do anything about it? why do i sit inside when I'd prefer to live outside?

why does this land laugh at You and when did we loose the knowledge of what it is to love and grieve and live?

in the garden?

Either side of the coin.

2010-08-08T18:09:00.004+01:00

My brother and belle-soeur are having a bébé in a couple months. I can't wait to meet this wee child, and am so thrilled they will be in La France for the naissance. While we don't know if it's a garçon or fille yet, I am so ready to buy wee clothes for le petit chou. Newborn clothes are SO tiny, it's hard to imagine that the wee pieds that will be small enough to be in these socks will someday be big enough to walk through la vie and run this race we face.

Some days that race is more cross-country than road race. There is no smoothness and the mud and muck pulls at your feet and causes stumbles and slips. It amazes me sometimes to think of what life brings us from birth to death. How little we realise those decisions are so crucial. That love of His is so necessary. Necessary for us to leave the legacy of peace and gentleness, of love and not bitterness.

My dear friend's Grandma died yesterday. Mimi....what a woman she was, oh aye, perhaps she didn't always choose the right thing, I recognise the humanity. But I loved the woman. The rather eccentric, electric, gentle, proper, ladylike and funny woman. The woman who had lived through success and failure, and walked out the other side in elegant poise.

So here I live in the middle these two sides of the coin. Pre-birth and post-death....I hope to see you both some time.

2010-08-06T16:36:00.000+01:00

Recently, I've come to the realisation that my life is very secular. Not necessarily me in my life, but the world around me. As my life goes around my job (wholly secular) and I have so few friends here, especially ones who I would want to pick up the habits of, there isn't a lot around me that focuses on Christ, or living like Him.

From the standpoint of my whole life, this is a new aspect. I can remember a conversation (argument?) I had with someone who had been a friend and was walking away. She accused me of living in a Christian bubble. My family was Christian, I went to church, worked at this church, and most of my friends were Christian. I ever though this was a bad thing. I still don't. But as I look at my life now, I realise how those years were really building a foundation of how to respond and I've and love. What a great blessing that I was privileged enough to have that time of solid building so that now, when good, Godly conversation is slim, Godly back-up (at least here) is non-existent, I have those principles to lean on. Don't get me wrong, I'm making plenty of mistakes, but feel as if I'm going forward, even as I make them.

Happy Christmas

2009-12-24T23:47:00.002Z

It's below freezing...has been for the past several days...ice on the roads, snow in the garden...only a couple more hours until we phone in the webcam to the US Parents and join in with the Christmas Eve celebrations.

Happy Christmas!

training

2009-11-06T20:33:00.002Z

it's good to get another perspective and hash through training with people who know what you're talking about when you're mentioning repeats, lap times and core stability.

slowly slowly my head is starting to come out of the McKenzie cloud. i'm training again...slowly trying to build some speed...my back is bad these days and it's keing me from doing anything too serious. frustrating.

i might try to see a different physio.

meanwhile, tonight was a race against the darkness as now it's 'night' at 17.15.

4 x 5.30min
2min rest
warm up
cool down.

tired. but a good tired.

motivation

2009-10-28T16:54:00.000Z

The last couple months have been odd. Not in a bad way, just....well... in an odd way.
We spent most of sept in America for our holiday. It was good but seriously thought provoking.

I ran a 31mile trail race at the beginning of the holiday. Was gutted about the performance and didn't run the rest of the month. I struggled (am struggling) with this one. Came home without a whole lot of motivation or ideas of what to do about training. My back wasn't great so there wasn't a whole lot I could do.

Then last weekend I ended up talking for a couple hours to someone I don't really know about running and training. It was a great laugh, even if it meant standing in the rain for 5 hours. And something about that discussion has given me back my training motivation. Odd how motivation can come from the most unexpected places. I still need to sort out some things in my head, but it's great to have a bit more focus.

Need to remember I come from Track Town USA.

2009-08-29T13:11:00.001+01:00

All precious things discovered late
To those that seek them issue forth,
For Love in sequel works with Fate,
And draws the veil from hidden worth.
--TENNYSON

Anne

2009-08-26T14:28:00.000+01:00

There stood Anne and Diana,gazing bashfully at each other over a clump of gorgeous tiger lilies. "Oh, Diana," said Anne at last, clasping her hands and speaking almost in a whisper, "oh, do you think you can like me a little--enough to be my bosom friend?"

Three years ago we moved. It wasn't a major move, so I thought. What's thirty miles of good road between friends? But with no car and no way of travelling the miles myself, I discovered that thirty miles was enough to end what I thought were friendships and turned out to be acquaintances. I was crushed. Yet what is to be done? You move on and keep living. I met people here and there, thought I was making friends, and discovered once again that growing up in a different country, with no family ties here, I was on the outside.

Continuing my desperate prayer for a friend, I have made a few in the past several months that have potential. But I'm wary. Tired of giving myself to people who will walk away when the novelty wears off. People who go back to those they've known their whole lives.

Then I met Anne. She's not really called Anne, but it suits her, and me. For she's Anne to my Diana. It is rare to find a true friend. Rarer still to realise the friendship at the first meeting. I am blessed by this friendship. Sometimes it seems that it is a fault that I can't seem to be "friends" with people. Am I too serious? Not shallow, frivolous enough? I know I do not hold "normal" conversations well. I want to know about the person I'm with, not have to talk about someone else or gossip about so and so. Maybe because I'm an outsider people don't want that type of friendship.

But here I am met. Soul to Soul. It is as if we've spent years getting over the shallows and have jumped straight into the deep, only without the years of historical getting to know you.

This friendship is worship - it's seeing God. His beauty and life and love. The seriousness of knowing Him in the heart of another and showing Him in my heart is here. In the laughter and fun and joy - and will probably be in tears and sorrow at some point. Oh, I know there will be more, year of this beauty. I haven't been told, but I know.

"Well, did you find Diana a kindred spirit?" asked Marilla as they went up through the garden of Green Gables. "Oh yes," sighed Anne.

inspiration needed here.

2009-08-22T16:13:00.002+01:00

i spent some time looking at the archives of this blog and realised that i haven't written anything, i mean 'properly' written anything in a long time. there used to be someone that commented on my blog who inspired me, and then i stopped writing things from my soul and they stopped leaving comments. it's strange how life moves. maybe i just have no creativity in me anymore - it certainly seems to have dried up. but then maybe it's cause i just used to sit down with a blank sheet and a pen and write, and i don't do that anymore.

maybe if i wrote i would have inspiration? maybe if i read things other than legislation and policy papers i would have inspiration?

i have always wanted to read thoreau's walden and for some reason never have. so i am going to start reading it and see if it inspires anything...

just weeks now

2009-08-22T11:50:00.003+01:00

In 17 days, after 400 days away, I will be seeing my family!

Hurrah!!

and then I will see this beautiful pool, and then celebrate with a pack of coyotes.

again, I say HURRAH!

blogging

2009-08-15T18:07:00.002+01:00

surely everyone who has a blog goes through times when they don't blog and the blog sits online without an update for ages....yes, this one has been like that. I tend to think that my life isn't exciting enough to blog about. but the i read my friends' blogs i love that they write about their daily lives and tell about what they do and the things their kids say.

maybe i should try that - to bring more of my daily life into this blog and wait less for my brief and far between moments of brilliance.

these last couple months have been really busy. work has been, well, a bit difficult. certain co-workers have been hard to adjust to and have working alongside me. I've been given quite a bit more responsibility on my projects. Sometimes I think this is great, and other times (mostly those times when I'm having to do my work and others on top of my own) the extra work/responsibility isn't so nice. but I've been working with some interesting and helpful people all over the United Kingdom and able to go over to meetings in London and Edinburgh - long days, but good craic.

I've also been using up loads of spare time running. specifically training for an ultra-marathon (50k), which is on the 12 Sept in Oregon. it's already nerve-wracking just thinking about it, but i'm sure once i get there on the day it'll be grand. the training has been fun and very difficult but enjoyable. this race is one i've been wanting to do for a long time and i'm glad there is the chance.

hopefully this'll be the start of more frequent posts.
speak soon.

new life

2009-04-12T09:47:00.003+01:00

it's a beautiful morning. a morning for enjoying company and sitting in the quiet listening to the birds and the sun. sitting next to you drinking tea in the morning and first breakfast, before we walk to the village and enjoy the quiet and the rustle of the countryside.

i am here, drinking a cup of mariage frères tea and missing You.

i've been away. my mind has been restless and wandering. rather than keep my feet, i've missed the stability of wandering with You.

It's a dangerous business, stepping out your front door. You never know where'll you'll be swept off to.

the danger isn't being swept away, the danger is sitting and becoming stagnant. it's time i started moving again. like the dead marshes and their creeping mould, i've let this place drag me into isolation and dormancy.

it's the simple things that lift the heart and bring the soul back into alignment.

morning has broken.

tamolitch

2009-02-02T20:24:00.005Z

sunset.
dusk shadows are playing across the water
i can see you, but i wait,
motionless.
watching the birds dart as the insects skit along the surface.
behind me i can hear the rush of the rapids
but here,

here,

all is quiet.

the pool is more than just blue.
it's depths are black, edged in gold as the sun flickers through the trees.
green flirts with the edges as the water settles into the cliff's shadow.

blue breaks as a black shape cracks the surface.
the bird splashes and skitters along, then dives again.

i hear my song as the water bubbles over the pebbles and then crashes down as it gathers momentum on the rocks below me.

sunset crescendos
dusk falls
trail beckons

i will return.

happy new year

2008-12-31T23:54:00.001Z

here's to 2009.

resolution?

be God's.

wholly.

yours?

scraps

2008-11-29T23:24:00.002Z

It’s unclear whether of not wisdom comes with age. For the older I become the more confused and unwise I feel. Would it be wiser to break all ties with the world and protect a pained heart? Would it be wiser to show that broken object to you, giving you the possibility of bruising it even more? Is there wisdom in trust? Does wisdom come really from life, or is it what happens in life that gives it? I wonder, is wisdom offered, given, or granted? Does one have to accept it?

Blinding whiteness.
Stunning the senses and sending the head reeling into saffron and crimson.
Sparkling across paradise and passion
Light sends her caress to the earth.
Waking in the dawning, the colours are shown.
Brilliancy yet to be born
As brief glimpses wink through the trees.

Help me LORD
For I'm drowning in YOUR love.
This desire for more of YOU is over-whelming my soul.
Cover me, LORD. Kill me with YOUR grace.
Pave the way so my life can take more of YOU.
Open the floods onto my heart as I crave more passion
Beyond anything I've known before.

i seem to have lost my ability to write and finish anything. it's all frustrating scraps of .... of something. there comes a point in the writing and i have nothing left in my head, but the lines gape and end without an ending. what have i lost? or what have i gained that doesn't allow for the finishing?

thanksgiving 08

2008-11-29T12:06:00.002Z

pies
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

in honour of the coyotes i got up this morning and ran my own turkey stuffer in 29F weather it may have been slow, but it was inspiring.

then came home, baked an apple and pumpkin pie, prepped stuffing, sweet potatoes and the turkey.

11.30 turkey in oven. dishes done. table getting set.

happy thanksgiving.

chariots of fire

2008-10-05T14:14:00.002+01:00

the great north run started this morning with the wheelchair athletes as BBC piped in the 'chariots of fire' theme song. it's been about 15 years since i've seen 'Chariots of Fire' and i remember being impressed by someone who sacrificed what they loved, for who they loved.

it may not seem a big deal, running on a sunday. but when did we loose the concept that our sabboth is God's and not man's? i'm as guilty as any, skipping church to mix on a sunday, let alone running. am i missing the point that it isn't the 'doing' on the sunday that matters, but the 'why' i'm doing it? why will i not give my whole day to Christ if i say i'll give Him my whole life?

on the other side of eric liddell is his sacrifice to people in need of hearing the gospel. we talked about missions in church this morning. i'm a bit frustrated with this cause in the last year there have been loads of people who ask why i didn't go to uganda with my church or why i don't go on a missions trip to somewhere?

how do i say this.... I did. i live in Northern Ireland.

but it's a struggle to not think we have to LEAVE to be a 'missionary'. it's just general assumption that to be a missionary, we have to buy a ticket somewhere to a place other than that where we live. one of the things that has come out of this is the thought that the "mission field" is simply anywhere outside the doors of church.

i like that. i have a few friends right now i want to be my "mission field" and this quote explains it well:

“We are all missionaries. Wherever we go, we either bring people nearer to Christ, or we repel them from Christ.” eric liddell

2008-09-28T20:27:00.001+01:00

My King leads me
I don’t know where we’re going.
The faces around me are set like flint.
I wonder, what does mine look like?
I hope it’s hard,
But my heart pounds in fear.
Courage I should have,
Yet I falter.
Riding towards certain death.
Or is there hope?
Hope in any face?
I see none.
Looking to the eyes of my King
I see His hope.
He meets my gaze
A slight nod
Acknowledging my near panic.
Then his eyes harden.
Staring straight into mine
He speaks softly,
“you will live to fight another day.”

like old times

2008-09-24T17:37:00.002+01:00

tomorrow i get to go to chichester and see burton.

and hang out at G2 Studios

and be monkey girl again

....at least for a little while

and meet Issy, and Amos.

and see the lovely Caff.

to the short one

2008-09-19T09:22:00.001+01:00

It may have been the smile that instantly made us friends.
But then again, your laugh was infectious.
Yet even as you laugh over the top of it,
There’s much more to you than you let on.
Why do you hide it?
The smile caught me
Or was it your laugh?
Your friendship is refreshing
Your standards high
But there is more than a glimmer of pain
Behind your eyes, waiting
Laughter masking your true self
There is a hidden depth to you
More pain, more joy, more of you.
You hide behind yourself
What about you
Do you not like?
There I more to you
Than meets the eye
More than you know
Keep open
Keep allowing for your gaze to be widened
You are HIS son
HE wants all of this for you
See what is at your fingertips?
Take it.
It’s all a gift for you
A gift of love to you.

here

2008-09-15T23:27:00.001+01:00

four years today.

it was the best of times
it was the worst of times.

friends

2008-09-13T20:26:00.002+01:00

so i have these three friends.... i'll call them curly, moe, and larry....and i don't know what to do about them....

curly...used to get texts all the time, funny comments, good laughs whenever we saw each other, great fun. now, barely hear anything. don't know if they're just frantically busy so if there is something wrong. there was one thing, but it seemed to be no big deal....but you know how your mind goes back to the worst thing you can think of.....i'm frustrated, cause i liked that friendship. do i just sit them down and say....

moe...only talks to me periodically, when moe wants something. when we met, i thought there was a good friendship in the works. but moe lives in a different place and has loads of friends now. so moe rings when i have something he needs. i want the friendship of moe, but at what cost?

larry...is dear to me. and in the worst trouble of the three. and i can't seem to help, and it's awful. larry is in the middle of horror and is trusting GOD implicitly, but it seems like HE's not doing anything. there is no doubt HE's still GOD to be worshiped and revered, but i can't carry larry, so GOD has to. what if HE doesn't?

i don't know what to do about these friends.

happy 30th birthday

2008-09-07T19:00:00.002+01:00

happy birthday
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

although A turned 30 in august, we only just celebrated with friends last night. it was great craic, with jay and jenny even coming up from Dublin for the occasion. we headed out to oxford exchange - great food and their 'early bird' menu was perfect. lots of laughs and good to see some people relaxing after hard weeks. it was also a nice break from the madness of all the music we've been working on - A had spent the day with Ian doing overdubs, while i was in bangor from half 8 recording the new irish orchestra with Ali.

meanwhile, this week i impulsively booked flights to NYC for 5 nights in december! A was shocked and delighted - he's been in winter before, while i've never been to the east coast so am looking forward to it. can't wait to ice-skate at rockefeller plaza!

the SM album is soon to be finished. we'll complete the overdubs this week and then get the mixing process underway. it truly has been madness and we're ready for it all to be finished so a) we can hand it over and not have to focus on it anymore, and b) so we can complete other projects waiting on the fringes.

start of another week.....here we go!

chased

2008-08-27T11:18:00.000+01:00

Just when running is starting to get easier again and my lungs aren’t dying and my legs/back aren’t screaming, some bloke decides it would be a good idea to chase me.

It’s as if someone doesn’t want me running. Hmmm. Maybe there is? Something I love, something I can do well (when fit) and have a place to live Godly.

And then some jerk decides it would be funny to scare the bijeezers out of me by chasing me down a path and to the road and then catches me (that was discouraging, but I had just burned through 3 miles and was tired) and when he was right next to me I shoved him and punched his shoulder and then ran like the wind. Thankfully he did not follow me. Probably one of his mates said ‘bet you can’t catch that girl’ and so he tried.

I sprinted wa-ay further than I should have, considering my healing body and am aching very badly today. Got home, shook for a bit and had a little cry, then A phoned the police. They told me ‘good work’ when I said I hit him. That was nice of them. Probably I should have screamed but I was too concerned about getting away quickly.

It was not a nice experience!

busy? or just distracted?

2008-08-11T13:44:00.001+01:00

I would say that I'm busy today - yes, I am busy. This is good, cause most days I'm not too busy and I have to 'fill' my day by making projects last inordinate amounts of time. Today is a good day to be busy, it's keeping me from thinking too much and getting distracted. Thinking not only of massive, beautiful pieces of audio gear and shiny, black, cars of wonderful torque and speed…..oh yes, I'm not to be thinking of those…..but also not thinking of what I'm doing sitting at a desk with a computer in front of me, when I could be sitting at a deck with a computer in front of me - if you know what I mean. If not, then let me explain.

My job. It's fairly boring these days. How water quality can be exciting unless it's so poor that we're drinking e.coli (which has happened recently) is beyond me. So I sit in front of a computer screen writing legislation and policy on the quality of drinking water in Northern Ireland.

Surely there is a way for this to be more exciting? Surely there is a way for me to be sitting in front of a 'desk' like an SSL or Neve (notice I put both there, I'm learning) looking at a Mac with ProTools and editing/mixing SOMETHING?

How do I get to be an assistant engineer?

How do I get to be an assistant engineer?

How do I get…..

Now you see, I've got distracted from my water quality laws…...

gear and cars

2008-08-09T20:10:00.003+01:00

it's a rare day when i get to sit in front of 50 grands worth of gear and then just moments later sit in 50 grands worth of car.

but today i did just that...

and then got to see THIS.

and ride in THIS.

it was a good day.

(grin)

who says crime doesn't pay. (snigger)

just kiddin'

2 years today.

2008-08-05T15:00:00.002+01:00

2 years today.
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

two years ago today, on a hot, sunny saturday morning, I wed my dear one.

it was a wonderful day. a fun day. a lovely day. a blessed day.

the two years have had some ups and some downs - sacrificing and loving are like that ....

BUT...

Here's to about 60 years more!!!

petrol prices a laugh

2008-07-23T09:47:00.002+01:00

found an amusing headline today in the Oregon newspaper about petrol prices dropping by a nickel to $4.22 a US gallon.

after all the conversions i discovered that we're paying this per US gallon -

petrol: $9.04
diesel: $10.01

wolf woods - for You.

2008-07-22T21:42:00.003+01:00

the trail winds through the dry trees,
their branches high up and scraggy.
they peer from great heights at this interloper
daring to weave back and forth around the narrow trunks.

a wavering howl creeps through the high needles to the sky.
grey shadows appear.
never coming fully into vision,
always they pant at the edge of mind.
waiting for footsteps to falter.

but here they fly
firmly planting, they take me over the rough ground
never faltering,
while my ears strain for the first sounds of the rough whine.
a figure!
out of the corner of my eye.

pulse quickening, i race on.
watching, waiting for the scent.

i run.
into the waiting pack.

of coyotes.

all by myself.....

2008-07-20T21:17:00.002+01:00

andrew is away for a course this week. kind of odd to have the house to myself (and Ernie) after being off for a week and having extra time with him. it was a very nice last week - the stress of the last job is falling away and he's getting to work a job that has consistency, set hours, and a contract. i'm looking forward to him being able to get stuck in and grow in his ability and knowledge. plus, it's computers, so he loves it. (geek)

i on the other hand and preparing for a week of early nights, early mornings and getting most of the editing done on the SM08 songs. got some new gear on long term loan i might try out as well.

got lots of things running through my head about life, and goals, visions for myself, for our marriage and hope for some future ideas. i could use some guidance and discussion with people who have lived more life than i.

nebo would be a good place to start. :)

odd memories

2008-07-14T23:33:00.002+01:00

today i had a really odd day of memory.

i used to get dreams where different parts of my life, which had no connections, would meet and people who had never heard of each other would be friends.

today felt a little like that.

1) Ems stadium - while mowing in the muggy weather memories of running the ride-on across the outfield of Civic came flooding back - what a great summer, what a weird mixture of events and memories. Sitting on the bleachers at Civic at midnight laughing and looking at the stars. breaking my finger falling off my bike. running in the heat at mount ashland with brian and wishing i had just run the whole race.

2) bagging old grass clippings smelled just like Minnesota after the ball field was mown and had been sitting out for a day after the thunder storms. old days of baseball with Laframs and David Ray.

3) talking with my brother about running - remembering the first time i kept up with Phil and Harold on Fall Creek Trail and the days when i couldn't run from wheezing. the dry heat on the mckenzie river trail and driving harold's truck around after Phil's race directing. wishing i was running distance, proper distance, with the coyotes. sitting in phil's back garden drinking and up river with a bottle of chardonnay.

4) texting Ali Mc. about abbey road studios and remembering the tea boy, who i envied for his job, while sitting at the feet of one of the best mastering engineers ever. then thinking of all the hours, days, and years at michael's studio, talking about mixing, and life, and eating pizza and henry's at midnight and still having to finish mixing afterwards.

odd how one memory triggers another and then people and places get mixed up and nearly run each other out of my mind with their pushing to the fore-front.

wonder what they'll be like in another ten years.

wish i was sitting at high street with a blue corvette around the corner.

the ballad of carla boone

2008-07-11T07:42:00.004+01:00

it's 7.35 on a day that although seemingly quiet, quivers with a tension soon to be realised in smoke and the choking smell of burning tyres and rubbish.

i here trying not to think about it, trying to think about the quality of northern ireland water when i know my phone has potential to be ringning off the hook in the next couple weeks with environmental problems gleaned from the afore mentioned burning.

trying to process the true importance of this when nearly 80 of my mates are in africa building a school.

listening to ben and the earls singing about carla boone - came into town trying to make a life but on the run from the hatred from the people who lived there.

who's not on the run?

look at me.

2008-07-02T19:26:00.003+01:00

you seem to look at me.
it feels like you're looking through me.
i wonder if you really see me.

what is it you want.
what if i can't offer you anything?

my hands are empty today.
there is nothing for you.

are you looking away now?

does this mean that you only look in my direction if i've something you want? or something to give you?

would you not fill my empty hands?
will you not give of yourself?

will you not look at me?

anonymous comments

2008-06-12T21:08:00.003+01:00

i do not understand why people find it necessary to be rude and controversial while commenting, when they are too cowardly to simply put their name to it, i'm now not allowing comments to be posted without being authorised so no one else's time is wasted by this person's bitterness.

if it continues i will decide whether or not to keep anonymous posts going. i would prefer to keep them as there are people i care about who post anonymously and put their names to the post.

thank you to those who post with dignity and respect. i appreciate your comments, even when i don't agree with you. (grin)

first race

2008-06-11T23:04:00.001+01:00

st pat's shamrock run 1978 eugene
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

ran my first race in nearly 3 years tonight - 3 years of injury. it's been a long time coming.

a low key 5k. countryside running. bit of rain. lovely.

21.51. getting there. want it below 20 by the autumn.

good shirt, huh?

2008-06-06T08:11:00.004+01:00

saw the Foo Fighters!!

better?

AT WEMBLEY!!!

too bad it wasn't Queen. :)

flags

2008-06-04T16:36:00.002+01:00

the flags went up last night.

i hate them.

but i suppose what i hate is what they represent.

the oppression, the hatred, the division, the violence, and the 'my territory' syndrome.

But Andrew told me to think that each of the flags represents another person to pray for in NI.

That’s a good think to think of. And it gets me around my running route faster as it’s just lined – every light-post has a flag on it – with opportunities to pray for the people who still have the oppression, hatred, division and violence tearing their lives apart.

Maybe in my life-time I can see them diminished. Maybe in my life-time there will be a break in the spiritual climate of Northern Ireland.

I hope for it.

talk v action

2008-05-29T14:02:00.001+01:00

There are so many topics being discussed right now that I want to be involved in, yet I can’t help but thinking that I often just talk about things I say I’m passionate about, but don’t ever actually DO anything about them. It’s as if, when I discuss them, they become actions taken rather than just actions planned and discussed. So I’m trying to keep out of them and actually act out the plans.

This could be constituted as obvious or silly, but there are many times when I think I’m in a place or GOD’s said to do something and then it doesn’t work out or nothing happens and I just sit and wait for HIM to do something about it.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that I’m just going to fly off the handle, but going to try and make small changes to how I live and act so that I can be pro-active. Some things I can’t change living where I do and I want to make bigger improvements to the world. For instance, I can’t go to Africa and teach and change the education cycle. But I can support my brother and sister in Mongolia as they work to improve education there. I may not be able to change Tescos policies on where they get their food and how it comes to NI, but I can buy Fair Trade/Organic/Free Range where possible and get my raised beds up to grow my own vegetables watching how much electric and gas we use – generally trying to make my footprint smaller. Maybe it means sacrificing what I “want”.

Life moves pretty fast around here. We are running from one thing to the next, working crazy hours, trying to pack things in, and constantly saying we didn’t have enough time to do that, finish this, or talk to that person. I’d like to be more intentional in what I do – being more involved in things that are actually going to make a difference or are lasting. Maybe it means investing in relationships or taking on a church project or even reading a specific book.

Things that aren’t just talk, but bucking the trend, living more simply, glorifying GOD by a Biblical example, not a cultural one and so being able to look back at this time and make the beginning of a change in my “culture” and lifestyle.

running

2008-05-19T22:53:00.002+01:00

3.3 miles

22.35 min

who says i'll never run again?

ha.

happy days.

my legs are tired. but it's a good tired.

the long fall

2008-05-10T23:32:00.001+01:00

Love has no defences. You only know it is love when it hurts.

The glory of GOD. We want it, we pray for it, we seek it. But do we find it? Where do we look?

We pray, ‘GOD, let YOUR glory rest here’ ‘we want YOUR glory to be in this place, situation…’

We want things ‘for YOUR glory’. But do we really know what we’re asking for? Do we understand that the what the glory is?

When JESUS asked for GOD to give HIM the glory so that the world could see it, HE was crucified. Is the Glory the pain? The suffering? The anguish of brokenness?

When we sit and look at someone on their deathbed do we see the broken image of CHRIST? The Glory of GOD?

They took HIS life, but they also broke HIM. We broke HIM. All so we could live in HIS glory. Is the moment of lonely agony, when the wind is like a howling empty darkness the true glory of GOD?

Is the glory of GOD revealed in the broken? In the boy with the guitar and special needs? In the old woman who can’t remember her child, let alone her own name, and her memories are long past? When do we cry out for CHRIST to join us? In our suffering, our brokenness, our pain.

When we loose our culture’s dignity and ‘humiliate’ ourselves, do we not get closer to the truth of CHRIST?

GOD is love. It’s not that HE can love, it’s that HE IS love. It is every bit of care, kindness, passion, desire that we could imagine. More even.

If love is CHRIST, and to glorify CHRIST we come unto death and pain, sacrifice and separation, then the glory is found in places we least expect. In the brokenness of the widower’s heart. In the seemed blankness of the stroke. In the stammer of the abused. There, in CHRIST’s brokenness, HE is glorified, non?

I don’t explain it well.

yellow birthday cake!

2008-05-09T10:19:00.000+01:00

i love eating yellow birthday cake two days before my birthday!

grin

clear sky

2008-04-29T22:45:00.001+01:00

la france - avril 2008
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

as you are aware, i went to France last weekend to spend a couple days with my brother and his belle wife. it was a lovely couple days. an immense treat to be with them - being away from family makes being able to be with them all the more precious. especially as Jae and Marielle are moving to Mongolia in May.

good food, good friends, good wine, good walks, good weather - both M and i got a nice wee sunburn.

but one of the main things i notice when i'm away from northern ireland is how spiritually light i feel. some might argue that france isn't any better, but i don't get the heaviness in france.

several years ago, Andrew and I went to Scotland for the day and i was shocked at how the atmosphere changed when we got off the ferry and i couldn't figure out what the difference was. then i realised that there weren't any flags or painted kurb-stones.

being in france was already going to be good. last week was tough. it's hard to not compare it to other's and say i've nothing to worry about, but i was really stressed and the weekend away couldn't have come at a better time for me. to get there and feel like a spiritual weight was been taken away was a relief. it gave a bit of respite that was able to continue then when i returned. the heaviness doesn't just settle like a cloak when i return, but there is a definite difference.

it's like getting a glimpse of the clear sky through the clouds. perhaps applicable seeing as we get more clouds than blue here.

does anyone else get this from where they are or in NI? or is it a foreign thing?

la photographie, la nouriture et du vin....

2008-04-24T10:38:00.003+01:00

and most importantly, LA FAMILLE!!!!

tonight i am going to la belle france for a couple days to be with mon frère et ma belle belle-soeur before they move to mongolia (photo)!

ryanair is getting another chance - not really an option as they're the only airline (dare i call them that), which flies to beauvais cattle-shed, otherwise known as Paris (beauvais) airport.

and hopefully, i'll get a wee bit of a stress-buster. taking the camera and going to try and pick up some good tips from my photo-grapher bro.

the lovliness of memory

2008-04-21T22:51:00.005+01:00

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

it's hard to believe a year has gone by since Lins died. the pain has been acute and the amount of GOD's love in response immeasurable.

yet grieving continues and we continue to cling to the ROCK upon which we stand. the only way to stand. this is so simple and silly sounding, and i don't mean for it to seem trite. maybe that's all i have. just the simplicity of standing on the ROCK.

response to Alain's post

2008-04-21T09:12:00.004+01:00

you can read it here. ali was writing about truly changing the way we live in response to our relationship with CHRIST... and thinking about doing that in decades instead of months...or weeks.

...you're right about the ease of talking about doing things and living a certain way, and the difficulty in actually doing it. we, in our generation especially, seem to want others to make the commitments to live Biblically or effectively, or to take the blame for the world's problems. but really, regardless of who's 'fault' it is, we are right along the same lines with our sin, so we should be right there living to make a difference. really living, like you said. yes, we have redemption, but all the more then we should live in response to GOD's way of living, not the world's way.

when i think about living intentionally for GOD in 10 years blocks, it's a bit overwhelming. perhaps even scary when we think of it in world terms - what if it means living 10 more years away from my family? of course we think '10 years??! you've got to be kidding! in 10 years i'll be nearly 40!'

what's 10 years to eternity?

as christians, how can we not think more long term like this? alongside the openness of allowing GOD to lead us in a different direction at a moments notice, perhaps we miss the power of living this way.

how long can we go just thinking about doing things, rather than moving and doing them? i'm just as guilty of this as the next and Ali's post got me thinking that maybe those little nigglings of 'what about that?' need to just be acted on in faith rather than waiting for the physical writing on the wall.

any thoughts?

love

2008-04-06T15:08:00.003+01:00

if you don't like long posts this isn't the one for you. (grin)

'But I have this complaint against you:
You don’t love me or each other as you did at first!'

'Go and shout this message to My people:
“I remember how eager you were to please me
as a young bride long ago,
how you loved me and followed me
even through the barren wilderness."'

longing.

for a filling of the longing. for a filling of the gaps.

we talked about love and intimacy this morning and a few thoughts came to mind about how we fill our lives and how we live as we desire, long and seek for love.

love -

A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; preeminent kindness or devotion affection; tenderness; or passionate affection for. To take delight or pleasure in; to have a strong desire for, or interest in; to be pleased with

Intimate - innermost; inward; internal; deep-seated; hearty; Near; close; direct; thorough; complete.

1. only with GOD's breath are we alive - to be close enough to get HIS breath we need to be intimate with HIM

2. we have affairs with the world and with 'worldly' attitudes/attributes, which steal us away from GOD.

- by worldly attitudes i mean - pride, lust, hatred, lying, selfishness,
self-contempt...

3. love is sacrifice. yet we sacrifice GOD, of whom love is patterned for, instead of sacrificing the things that take us and our attention to hate and away from love.

4. there isn't a problem with the want to be fascinating or desirable, but we can't be truly satisfied by others - intimacy in our human lives is a glimmer of intimacy with GOD. if we don't have intimacy with GOD, our intimacy with humans will be stale and we'll have to move from friendship to friendship and lover to lover - always seeking to truly be satisfied. impossible without our longing for GOD: that which makes us completely fascinating and desirable.

longings from GOD placed in our hearts:
1. to be loved, for intimacy
2. for greatness
3. to be wholehearted
4. to make an impact
5. for beauty
6. for fascination
7. for GOD

5. without GOD, intimacy and love can't exist. GOD is love and love is GOD. how can we have love without GOD or GOD without love?

how can we actually truly live if we don't have that breath of GOD in our bodies?

might i have a bit of earth?

2008-03-27T17:47:00.001Z

narcissi
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

i like growing things.

spring and sunshine.

the smell of newly mown grass and good earth between my fingers.

the colours of buds just as they split and die and open with new life.

growth. life. spring is a good time to reevaluate. to question what is 'normal' and make sure it's not stagnant. to put holes in what needs drained and tie up what needs strengthened, moving those areas trying to grow into the Sun. and stepping back to breathe deeply of the freshness and glimmers of green life.

choosing the lesser??

2008-03-14T16:47:00.002Z

This post has the potential to make me very nervous and vulnerable, but I'm going to post it anyway. Realising that I'm opening myself up to my pet hate - America mud-slinging, I'd like to consider my choices.

Day in and day out I live with personal questions and rude comments that are no-one elses business - all this because my accent is different and my passport is blue. "what are you doing here?" "why would you want to leave America?" "why do you talk funny?" "that's not how we do/say it here" "are you from the Republic?" "when are you leaving?"

Then there's always the country abuse, disguised as personal - as if it was my personal choice to be involved in a war and to not sign up to emissions and Kyoto.

But then no one ever really thinks about Americans voting for their own country and not for the world. Have you ever wondered how much impact your life will make on the world?

"Dear America,
As you choose your next President, the world will watch as the most powerful job in the world peacefully changes hands. In 2008, you will choose the man or woman who has the best vision of America's future and of your role in the world.
All of us, in every country, will be affected by the choice you make."

No one tells you when you're voting you either help your country or help other countries. No on outside ever admits of any good coming out of America - no world news headlines discuss the aid brought by American organisations or even by American soldiers.

So what are we to do? Where is our first responsibility? To America? Or the rest of the World? Do I choose the foreign policy or the internal? Why aren't there Presidents who have both? Why will no outsider admit that perhaps there is some good that America does amid all the bad? Do I choose a war in another country or an pro abortion bill?

You sit there and criticize, but do you vote in your country?
You sit there and criticize, but does your country only do good?
You sit there and criticize, but what are your foreign policies.

I sit here a weep, and pray our decision maker can guide America wisely, and aide the world as well. But which moral dilemma is worse - the one that kills thousands of Americans or the one that kills thousands of others?

How can I choose?

run

2008-03-12T14:09:00.000Z

today i went 3.25miles in 24 min

i am very happy about that

the little things

2008-03-10T17:49:00.002Z

lately i've been feeling like i'm missing something. not necessarily something i don't have, but as if there are blinders on my head and what should be seen is just outside vision.

it's not often that i've a chance to just sit and read. maybe one of my favourite things to do, but today i had the time and this struck me as perhaps part of what i'm missing.

it's from Dietrich Bonhoffer's Life Together:

We prevent GOD from giving us the great spiritual gifts HE has in store for us, because we do not give thanks for daily gifts.
We think we dare not be satisfied with the small measure of spiritual knowledge, experience, and love that has been given to us, and that we must constantly be looking forward eagerly for the highest good. Then we deplore the fact that we lack the deep certainty, the strong faith, and the rich experience that GOD has given to others, and we consider this lament to be pious....
Only he who gives thanks for little things receives the big things.

i would like to continue to think of, and be thankful for the little things, especially in this time now when things are a bit more uncertain and the future doesn't look especially bright.

sunday night

2008-03-10T11:40:00.005Z

being out on a 'school night' is definitely harder than it used to be. went to the rotterdam last night for mel's gig.

it was good fun to chill a bit with "the lurgan crowd" although i spent most of my time laughing at the silly drunk locals and chatting to an old friend.

mel, on the other hand, was captivating, she looked like she'd been singing on stages with john and marty for years. great lyrics, vocals and stage presence - i am more excited than ever to get this girl recorded. trying to figure out how to get it big. need to flog it to the radio when we're done.

i'll give you my kiss if you give me devotion
i'll give you my heart as your home.

les fleurs

2008-03-07T18:06:00.003Z

i'd like to plant these flowers in my garden. but i can't find them anywhere. they were in a magazine once under the name 'Ranunculus'. they come in all different colours and i think they're really lovely. anyone have any ideas?

heather and mattias

2008-02-23T21:53:00.003Z

good friends, food and fun times. what a great evening we were able to spend with our friends from around the world. H/M are my parents extra kids and are like the part time family members. what a treat to have them be with us!

thanks thanks.

the studio

2008-02-06T15:43:00.000Z

tonight i get to go to The Studio. it's not very often these days that i get the pleasure of hanging out with gear of such beauty and quality.

and it'll hopefully dictate the next two albums i record.

(so Mel, you can start relaxing - we're getting there)

making a difference - or not.

2008-01-31T14:36:00.000Z

Andrew and I had a conversation about life on the way home from work the other night. it went something along the lines of working 9-5 and then getting to do what you wanted, or what you thought your calling was, the rest of the time. so I began thinking of what I was doing aside from work and was there any aspect of my life that was more about a desire or a calling than a job…after some consideration, I am going to say, no, there isn’t.

(part of this is due to the fact that every weekend we’re working on our house or even when we’re not, it’s almost that we feel guilty for not as there is still much to be done)

there are a few things that I’m involved in – and all three are things that I love and would like to get more involved in, but for some reason, for my own or others responsibility, I’m not more involved.

this is beginning to bother me and I wonder if I’m missing the point of life or rather living as a follower of Christ.

I really want to change the world, but probably, I’ll never be able to do that. In reality, changing my own little ‘world’ is not really happening either, so maybe I’m missing the bent of my course. There are still flutterings in my heart about working with youth, but I’ve come to realise, as soft as this may sound, that working with kids off the street is not for me, not my calling. I wasn’t ever one of those, and although I know without doubt that GOD would still use me there if HE wanted to, it’s to the kids who are already in church, already know something of GOD that I love. Sometimes it’s those kids who get overlooked cause someone thinks they don’t need as much help or they’ve got it all together, but as one of those kids, I found that I wished I had had the courage to ask for the help I needed, instead of being left behind cause I wasn’t one of the “bad” kids.

Then I have this sense of more being needed. How much of myself do I give and where is the line when you’ve tried enough and when they don’t respond or they don’t care, you save a bit of your heart by walking away? When I lived in America I knew tons of people, and had loads of people I would have called good friends, as well as several who would have mentored me at different points of my life. Here, my ‘good friend’ list is under 5 and having someone in my life who is a mature Christian and can offer advice or reminders is a distant dream. It’s growing my relationship with GOD, of course, as I have to combat the loneliness and frustration by turning to HIM allowing HIM to work in the gaps left. There is something more to fill my life I feel, something HE’s got that I can’t really see and just have glimmers of what it might be.

There are two areas in church that I’m involved – women’s ministry, and the sound team. now, not to be too controversial or offend anyone, let’s just say that I don’t think the areas in my life that GOD’s gifted me are being utilised. How do I change that? No one seems to want my thoughts or knowledge or expertise. Sometimes I wonder if it’s cause I’m female and that ‘girl’s don’t do PA’ which I’ve heard way too many times, or if I’m too new – a year and a half doesn’t make you a member in the country or if people just don’t want to know, which is fair enough.

All this is making me restless. I want to go somewhere and do some good. When I think of my bro and sis moving to Mongolia, Joanna going to Uganda in the summer, Brian in Ibiza, I want to go somewhere, see a different world, get a new perspective about mine and do something good somewhere.

Meanwhile, I’m here, supporting a few kids in Mongolia to go to school, a wee girl in Thailand, and buying fair-trade when it’s offered – hoping that something makes a difference to someone.

i just want to be a little bit different.

Christians should be trouble makers, creators of uncertainty, agents of a dimension incompatible with society. Jacques Ellul

running

2008-01-17T16:37:00.001Z

only a week has passed since i was at the physio getting a once over. it wasn't the most comfortable session, but the worst was the news.

she said i was done running.

i'm posting it here cause i don't agree!

i will run again.

there was another time in my life when a doctor told me i might always walk with a limp after tearing my achilles. i made it home before crying and vowed i would run - nearly out of spite. i spent many a day sitting next to pre's rock staring at my crutches and plastered leg.

two years later i raced a 5k, won, beat all but 3 of the men running the race and set a PB of 4.42 in the mile.

I WILL BE BACK.

and you're all my witnesses.

just stuff

2008-01-17T16:17:00.000Z

i was chastised and even threatened this week (you know who you are) on the fact that my blog is slow to be updated...and here i thought i was doing better. (grin)

it's not for lack of brain material, it's just that i have trouble getting things from my brain to paper, or the keyboard. when i look at other blogs i realise that people are very 'chatty' in their posts. mostly mine are a wierd match between poetry and prose that is becoming harder and harder for me to get out of my head. maybe cause i don't write it down often enough it's now slow to come...if you don't use it and all that...

so a general update - we've now tiled the kitchen, when i get home i'll take a picture and it will be - here. the hallway and toilet room need done but it's slow. they look great though! really like them.

i met with a musical mate the other day and have plans to get some of her music recorded. that will be a treat - to work with a musician who puts in the time and is more than someone who sings! AND a good song writer. honestly, she gave me a bit of a surprise for i'd never heard her before and i was duly impressed. her voice is very clear and will tuned and i don't often get to hear that. it will be good craic as well as good music.

in the meantime, work is going well, we're in the middle of it all again as the next strand of the water report just came out and it's 'meet with the minister' time again. good fun and interesting to boot. i like my job!

coyote

2008-01-01T21:28:00.001Z

Big Step
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

i came home with mud on my legs. and a massive grin on my face.

it was two years ago, on a very cold and frosty morning when i last was up pisgah with the coyotes. it was beautiful. but i couldn't run and it was frustrating. this time we ran, in the mud and beauty we ran.

i would like to shout - IT WAS BRILLIANT!!! (grin) classic pisgah. cold, muddy, and misty - perfect.

the views were wonderful, the company great. and i had hope to run again.

hope to run again.

christmas in oregon!

2008-01-01T19:01:00.001Z

isabel tree
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

we surprised my family and showed up at mum and dad's door mid-December for Christmas. both my younger bros were away or with the wife's family this year so the homestead needed a few more bodies.

my dad's face was blank with shock when he opened the door and my mum just kept saying 'i can't believe it'. it was brilliant! :)

what a treat to be there for christmas - got the chance to go to a REAL running store, went to mongolian grill, mcmenamins (twice), kev and julie's massive christmas party, and then christmas eve watching old slides and eating peppernuts, christmas day with raclette... it was lovely.

carrickfinn

2007-12-02T00:34:00.001Z

carrickfinn
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

we went to a concert tonight. it was brilliant. well, let me rephrase that, the band was brilliant! the engineer was rubbish! it amazes me how someone can get away with that kind of shoddy work when they're on major tours. needless to say, it was loud, really loud, and now i'd like to be sitting next to the sea, watching the wind rough up the water, and listen to the silence.

i miss the mountains. the quiet of the trees, knowing that the only sound will be made by nature - or by that coyote sitting next to me.

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever live next to them again and then i wonder - what if GOD sends me even further from them?

i'll go.

all i want for christmas is....

2007-11-13T22:45:00.000Z

It's autumn. From my warm kitchen I watch the rain lashing down and the wind beating against anything standing in the way.

winter is looming, I think as I calmly turn on the tap and open my full fridge. My phone beeps and the book on the table lays ready to be picked up and read.

STOP.

Warmth
Shelter
Clean, fresh water
Food
A job
Education

It's nearly Christmas. How will I celebrate my Saviour's birth? Will I add to the already full shelves of my life or do I build shelves for someone without any?

Warmth: How often do I pass people selling the 'Big Issue' on Belfast's streets? Or the children busking on the corner with their accordions? How often have I handed them a warm cup of coffee and how often do I just walk by, irritated by their pleas for "Beeg Ishu"? How often have I handed them a scarf or hat, a cup of soup?

whatever you do unto the least of the people, you do it unto ME.

Shelter: There were 9,749 homeless people in Northern Ireland on the streets in 2006/07. More than 2 million people have been left homeless in Darfur, Sudan. That's 300,000 MORE than the population of Northern Ireland.

For £32 ($65) a family could have an emergency shelter - lasting at minimum, months. That's one meal out for two people - something that lasts roughly 2.5 hours.

Clean, Fresh Water: In Northern Ireland, water costs on average £160 per year, per household. For £72 ($149) I can give clean water to 100 people.

Every year 1.8 million people around the world die from drinking unclean water.

That
is the

ENTIRE

population of Northern Ireland.

Food: A mum with three boys my friend knows lives with nothing in their cupboards but bread, mayonnaise, and ketchup until my friend care enough to ask what she can do - and we all feed and clothe them with our excess.

It costs £3.05 for a latte at Starbucks - that's $6.30. With £17 ($35.25) I can feed 100 children for a day.

A Job: I work 5 days a week, get free health care, and education for my children. I work 37.5 hours per week. I get 25 days paid holiday plus 12 statutory holidays. There are at least 4 websites offering jobs to NI. Unemployment is less than 5%.

Unemployment in Mongolia is, obviously, decidedly linked to their high percentage of poverty. Of their population, 36% is below the poverty line and in that 36 percent, 52% are unemployed. South Africa, a country I would consider 2nd World, has an unemployment rate of 25%. For £40 ($83) I can help start a small business in a 3rd world country. My dad runs a small business, and he supported our entire family, and then some with it.

Education: If I walk into a shop and see a top I like for £10 ($20), I buy it.

I spent a year of studying at Queens University, Belfast. That year of study cost £7500 ($14,500).

For my £10 ($20) a child in Mongolia can go to school for a year. And not justt one child, but their siblings after them as well. My £10 buys them books, they learn to read, and education changes the cycle of poverty and unemployment.

whatever you do unto the least of the people, you do it unto ME.

thinking and new things

2007-11-11T01:38:00.000Z

right, so it's been ages since i've written anything here. not that i've nothing to write, but that i've so much in my head i don't even know where to begin, middle or end.

plus, i had someone whose thoughts and life i greatly respect and admire tell me that they sometimes read what i wrote. it threw me for a bit. since then i've been thinking a lot of what i write here and why i do and who reads it. initially it was only a dumping ground for my thoughts and a place for my family to see a glimpse of my life. now it's become a random place of pictures, bits of my life, thoughts, pain, and sometimes frustrated ranting.

i suppose, really, anyone who puts anything on the net must assume that anyone can then gain access and read what is there. and perhaps a bit naively, i assumed that no one was looking who i didn't know was looking.

periodically people have mentioned that this is a place where i am very personal with what i write and i've questioned that - i guess it is, but i've not specifically intended it to be. i wonder have i given an impression of myself that isn't accurate - not untrue, but inaccurate?

so the plan is to try and be a bit more consistent with writing. they probably still won't be "updates" but at least i'll try to vary them a wee bit more.

so here we go. maybe it'll be a bit of a change, but then again, as i analyse myself and the bits and pieces are here, it'll just be the same, and what you're getting is the reality of who i am.

autumn sky 02

2007-09-27T19:35:00.001+01:00

autumn sky 02
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

this is my favourite time of the year! i love the crisp, clear air, and the leaves and berries changing to crimson and orange.

just stuff

2007-09-26T00:05:00.000+01:00

i came home from a charity event tonight with an emptiness that wasn't expected. it's a year to the day that Lins was diagnosed with a brain tumour. one of the things that Lins loved was Uganda. she had a broken heart for those in need so one of the things she and Ali were involved in was taking a team to uganda to build a primary school. tonight was a charity dinner to raise money for the secondary school. it gives kids a chance to get an education past primary school, get at least one decent meal a day and teaching about Jesus. it's such a privledge that we can be involved with this and support something that Lins was passionate about.

tough night though. and i drove home to my bed knowing that my husband will join me in a few hours and all will be well.

so who am i to think it's a tough night?

if my heart is sore cause Lins is gone, what must Ali's be like? and Nik? and Liz and Arthur?

i can't understand.

but i do get so frustrated cause they are hurting and broken and i can't do anything for them.

odd, isn't it? that the very thing we want to fix we can't? i guess faith must be rather blind cause if we could see all that lies ahead would we continue on?

alot has happened in 12 months. no one ever thought we be doing a charity event in Lindsay's honour. 23 year olds don't die of cancer.

but what an honour. seeing we can't have her here with us, we can try to continue to pour out what beautiful love of God she had.

the pool

2007-09-25T23:59:00.000+01:00

Shattered by the blast, brutal force started the sequence of terror. What peace was held fell long ago under a tyrannical ruler while the horrified did nothing, and watched, as the country collapsed.

There is nothing to say that helps, nothing to do that makes any difference. War wounds and shock are written on every child’s face, adding 10 years to a six-year-old. We hold on, not because we must, but because there is strength for nothing else. No movement, just the stagnancy of a pool without an inlet or outlet.

But the trees drop leaves sometimes, and every so often there is a ripple. Assaulting the already heightened senses, the sun glares across the still water and gives a throbbing headache. We wait for movement. Something that speaks of life.

Quiet.
Stillness.

The stench of death still hangs in the air with nothing to alleviate. There are no flowers, no beauty to stave off starvation of the soul. Still we wait. There must be something more than the horror.

Then a rumble in the distance. The oppressive air builds in tension and the surface of the water quivers under the rough hand of the east wind. Suddenly life is broken with a glimmer of hope. Again the rumble, this time closer. The light hardens and if there were living creatures about they would be running for cover. But there aren’t any here. Just the few half death humans who struggle to the edge of the pool and look up. Desperation gouges their faces into deep lines.

Darkness settles dimly around them as the very air stops in tense anticipation. There is a quiver across the pool, leaves stir uneasily and the heaviness of an unemptied heart hovers.

it rains. deep drops crash into the trees. these half dead humans wait, hopeful in the anticipation that there will be life drawn.

waiting for green, for wild, for passion, for life, for HIM.

carrickfinn

2007-08-25T00:24:00.001+01:00

carrickfinn
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

we went to carrickfinn, donegal for our first anniversary. a couple weeks ago - i'm a bit behind obviously on the updates. the weather wasn't great except for the night we got there, as you can see from the photo. but it was very relaxing and a good break. we spent most of our time driving around, but stopped at glenveagh national park for a morning - the garden was really pretty and the lough lovely and rough. perfect. we also drove down to donegal town (a place i never need to go back to) but stopped at St John's Point along the way. it's a wee tiny sliver of land nearly to donegal town. lighthouse at the end and gorgeous seas.

national league championships

2007-08-14T19:19:00.001+01:00

national league championships
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

saturday our senior women's squad went to the all ireland championships down in tullamore. 16 events later, with five firsts and five seconds, we took the championship cup for the third year in a row! we now wait for selection for the european cup in may 2008 - hopefully it'll be somewhere warm.

do you take sides?

2007-07-20T13:33:00.000+01:00

today i have a friend in Palestine. last week he was in Israel. every day he hears s different story, different pain, different joy, different suffering. never the same and never a middle ground. each side says they are right, their cause must be fought for - he must 'go home and tell them that the Israelis/Palestinians are right'.

does he need to choose?

living in a segregated country, sometimes i wonder about places like Israel and Palestine. their violence makes ours look like child's play, but it's still one community/culture against another. there are still losses and struggles. one side seems to come out on top and the rest of the world chooses depending on popularity at the time.

why do we have to choose?

what makes one side 'right' and the other 'evil'? is it really our place to choose or does that prerogative belong to the Creator?

don't think that i'm saying there is no right or wrong or truth. i've plenty of relatives who will tell me that there is only one way and the rest go the way of uncle gerry. why do they get to choose? would they have sat down with the taxcollector? would they listen to a prostitute? let one touch them?

would you or i?

sounds nearly silly doesn't it?

of course i would we say!

but do you?

oh, i'd never meet one cause i don't know any and don't hang around 6th street/the albert clock after dark.

should you start?

do the numbers count?

how many of them are there cause they WANT to be? and how many cause they're FORCED to be?

should we side with them? or against them?

what would Jesus do really?

would he choose against two tiny children? one born on one side of the wall and one born on the other?

if you saw them, could you?

what?

2007-06-23T23:36:00.000+01:00

as of this afternoon, i've made enough cables to literally go the length of a football pitch and back and then some - and i've a couple wee blisters on the inside of my fingers from screwing cables ends together.

the racks are full - they were 76kg empty. now they are completely full and weight a ton (ok, perhaps a little less than that, but heavy!)

we have input audio to protools and output audio to protools. tomorrow we sort everything out and make a plan.

monday i go to site and fly the ambient mics.

thursday we move onto site and start living in a caravan for 11 days. oh joy - lots of work and no sleep.

stress levels are high and i've two companies who've not sent me the proper gear.

silly people!!

Jae's wedding

2007-06-21T09:11:00.001+01:00

Jae's wedding
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

more pictures to come with memories of the weekend.....are good food, drank good wine, spoke mostly french, and lots more pictures to follow. need to be building cables for SM.....

vive la france

2007-06-13T15:43:00.000+01:00

tomorrow my brother the eldest flies into belfast in the AM.....we run at stormont....brother the eldest, andrew, and i drive home....pick up luggage....drive to dublin....fly to beauvais....drive to breuil le vert....sleep (hopefully after a wee taste of something)

friday: happy days! we're in la france.
saturday: le mariage! the demi-mariage is over and marielle becomes RENICH - married to brother the middle.
sunday: time to explore

oh yeah....then we drive back to beauvais....fly back to dublin....drive 1.5 hours home at about midnight....then wake up and drive brother the eldest and brother the youngest to belfast airport to be there for 08h00.

they fly to PDX...arrive at to eugene about midnight....then brother th eldest gets up and goes to work at 04.30. YUCK.

sorry brother the eldest.

à la france! à bientôt

philip's visit

2007-05-31T23:38:00.001+01:00

DSC04110a.jpg
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

my brother is just away after a weeks visit - class! it was wonderful to sit and talk about 'remember when...' and 'remember who...' we went up the North Coast, walked around P-Down, went to the Argory, and took a day trip to Doob-lin. good times. it was great to spend the time with him.

2007-05-21T12:36:00.000+01:00

ravaged by YOUR wind
calm shattered like so many shards of glass
blood in the picking up of pieces
hands and knees tattered from crawling
crawling to try and gather the fragments
alone, wondering why i'm here
there is a noise and i turn
YOU're there
hands bleeding, eyes weeping
ruins of my wreckage in YOUR hands
confused i look at my own
'why are YOU here?
why am i here?'
no shout, just a whisper
I'm sorry and YOU move
'NO'
this time i try to shout it
'please don't leave me
not like this
don't leave me'
I AM here
and I'm not going anywhere

inspired to hope

2007-05-21T12:17:00.000+01:00

you walked into the room
immediately i was aware of my tatty hair and mismatched clothes.
then you smiled at me
and that was all i could think of.
my cloudy skies had a rainbow.
you went on to your job and i to mine
i spent the rest of the day
trying to get another glimmer of your heart.
it was months before i had another chance.
you were stunning.
again i knew my hair and clothes were wrong.
then you smiled at me -
all of the sudden i mattered
me
not my appearance
your stunning beauty didn't compare
you looked at hearts.
saw and loved pain
soothed hurt
and inspired to hope.

16/05/07

2007-05-16T16:39:00.000+01:00

"Oh, I know I've been very selfish," sighed Anne. "I love Gilbert more than ever--and I want to live for his sake. But it seems as if a part of me was buried over there in that little harbour graveyard--and it hurts so much that I'm afraid of life."
"It won't hurt so much always, Anne."
"The thought that it may stop hurting sometimes hurts me worse than all else, Marilla."

i never read this with any clarity before Lins died. but today it makes sense. it makes sense for Ali and Nik, and in a small part for the rest of us as well.

sitting here trying to finish my portfolio for my counselling course with the music on and 'Blessed be Your Name' came on. i almost can't stnad that song right now. oh, i know it is true, of course it is - but just because it's true doesn't mean i have to like it. Ali said the other day, "why is it like this? i'm still going to love and follow God until i die, so why do this?"

and my heart broke all over again for him. for the hurt that's there and for the hurt of it going away.

there isn't any forgetting, but it seems as if there should be a pause when we loose beauty like Lins. it's not even as if winter has fallen. it's just like winter is.

please come as if you're age 12....

2007-05-14T13:15:00.001+01:00

tea party birthday party
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

i had a tea party for my birthday party yesterday. it was great fun and i think we're going to make a normal occurance out of them! we just need to get a good importer for the tea....mum? :)

lost children

2007-05-14T12:15:00.000+01:00

please don't think this post is discounting the horror and pain that maddie's family is going through right now, or that possibly the wee girl is either. i'm not saying it's not evil and horrible for someone to take a 3 year old child from her bed - it is. it makes me and everyone else sick to think what might have happened to her. not even imaginable.

but here is my thought right now - and please, i'm not trying to ignore or belittle their horror and pain - thousands, and yes, that is accurate, thousands of children in other parts of the world, africa, india, the middle east, disappear and no one does anything about it. it's as if they don't matter. there's a long list of people from europe who have given money to try and find wee maddie. £2.5million. i'm please that people are willing to help the family and offer rewards for this child. yet what about rewards for african children who are stolen from their families.

why don't people in europe who are so willing to put up money to try and save 1 wee white, european child, put up money so save the lives of thousands of wee african or asian children? are we so discriminatory still that we can't see what is happening?

it is important to try and save a child - any child. yet we as 'safe' and happy, well fed europeans, americans, and people of first world countries, seem to forget there are children who simply die because they have nothing to eat.

do we care?

do YOU care?

SHOULD YOU?

fab friend

2007-05-11T10:26:00.000+01:00

came home last night from the studio to find a good friend with coffee, flowers, wine, and a 'coupon' for a date with her. :) it was so lovely to be thought of and have her show up late like that for my birthday. then, just after midnight i opened my gifts from my ferguson family. we now don't have to laugh when someone says, sure, just throw that in the microwave for a few minutes. leftovers have a new lease on life.

oh yeah, and i got a lovely dress from joanna.

nice start to my day - even though we had to leave the house before 7 to get andrew to derry for 9. whew! just took an hour nap to get ready to work.

ben and the boys get back in the studio today at noon.

old?

2007-05-11T00:53:00.000+01:00

technically, i'm not actually 29 until about 20 min past 3 this morning. but as it's after midnight, i'll claim it.

i don't feel 29. and i surely don't look it. weird.

aren't you supposed to have accomplished something by the time you're 29? hmmm....this might be an issue.

oh well, but i'll bake my cake and feed lots of people today and enjoy being 29....at least the first day of it. :)

andrew wonders if the words "accomplished something" cover such things as getting married (twice), getting a house, and learning to drive again

sleepless nights

2007-04-26T03:35:00.000+01:00

it's 03.35. sleep isn't happening. i went to bed before 11pm and finally at 02.15 got up to make a cup of tea. nothing makes sense tonight. it's a wakeful night.

i can't even write. it's as if i've been emptied of thought and emotion. there's a dryness that doesn't even breed confusion - like a desert broadening the horizon.

nearly lifeless.
barren and threatening.
sun beating with no mercy.
heat killing with pleasure.
this is no parched sand trap.
it is death.
only one doesn't die.
but goes on without knowledge
of time or space.
simply continuing.

22 april 2007 - gone Home

2007-04-22T13:06:00.000+01:00

woke up to a phone going this morning. it was too early for texts and i was too groggy to realise what i knew it would be - the sad news.

today at half seven, at 23 years old, Lindsay Emerson died. she fought very hard to not leave her 27 year old husband alone, but after a few short months of fighting, she succumbed to a cancer - a brain tumour. she was joy and laughter, love and fun.

even though it's only a short time it already doesn't matter so much how it happened, but that she's gone.

please pray for Alain, for our dear friend Nik, her brother...for Liz, Arthur, Zoë, Sancha, and Alain's family. they're strong and holding God tight, and need Him and His grace.

it's going to be a rough spell for a while but there still is joy - for her life and love and faith in God.

we'll see her There.

a few thoughts

2007-04-16T18:55:00.000+01:00

a new week. were mondays always tiring, or is it just now with our culture of weekend breaks that mondays feel like this? if i lived in a 3rd world country would i care about mondays? would i care that there was a new monday, or would i just care that it was a new day to perhaps starve to death, loose a crop or livestock because of drought, or slosh through the newly formed puddles of today - a result of the monsoon season? what if mondays didn't matter? if my life didn't have a differentiation between one day and the next and everyday was a struggle for life? would i still go for the truth? at that point, would there be anything else to live for?

these last couple weeks have been pretty thought provoking. my brain is tired of trying to figure things out and sleep just isn't a factor this past while. and yet i've nothing to be complaining about. i've plenty of friends right now who have a lot better reason than i to not sleep well. so what is it? do you ever lie awake at night having no idea what you should be thinking about? praying about? you have these conversations with God that don't even make sense in your own mind - you can only hope He can understand your muddledness.

the lesson has been importance - as in what holds importance in my life. from friends loosing jobs and houses, to watching Lindsay in her sick bed, only her eyes telling me that she knows i'm there, it seems that what's really important has nothing to do with all the things my world tells me i should have, do, or want.

sometimes i'd like to sell it all and move somewhere to live in a wee hut and work hard with my hands and feet and live a real life.

then again, maybe this is it.

riding the bike

2007-04-12T17:55:00.001+01:00

riding the bike
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

view from the newly riden bike!

first bike ride!

2007-04-12T17:50:00.001+01:00

first bike ride!
Originally uploaded by girl-ferg.

andrew bought me a bike for christmas but i've not been able to use it cause of my back - that is until TODAY! Emma released me to not only run every other day up to 20 minutes, but i get to ride my new bike. it's great. today i rode it down to B&Q (Home Depot) and bought some wall plugs and screws to start hanging pictures. three black and whites of edinburgh and auskerry, orkney will go on the wall in the toilet room downstairs. i'm thinking maybe some a blind of cream with tiny black stripes - but have to find some material i like. sounds like a trip to dunelm mill is in the cards.

tenerife report

2007-04-08T23:19:00.000+01:00

after seven days of heat, sun, and sleep, i returned to northern ireland to 1.5 C weather. training went pretty well - all except for a sore left achilles brought on by a several hour walk on concrete in flip flops. once i started wearing my wee trainers everywhere the ache subsided and my legs stopped shouting at me.

got to speak a lot of spanish while away, and even a bit of italian (complements of a brilliant restaurant called 'michelangelo's'). one of the best things about being away was the conversation sparked by my Bible reading. spent about 30 minutes answering questions and telling my flat mates what i believed, why i thought the Bible was true, and how i was trying to live my life to honour God. brilliant!

while away i finished a new book brave new world by aldous huxley. mind boggling, intriguing, disturbing, enjoyable, and disgusting. all about the world in a potential future - future as a satire of america. a disturbing future of materialism, consumerism, immorality, ignorance, and cultural anonymity. with no concept of pain, despair, love, history, glory, knowledge of good, holiness, God or eternity. yet no one had any idea that they were missing out in this "civilised" new world. except a very few - few who were ostracised or one, who loved and hated, and killed himself to end his encouter with civilisation.

now reading blessed be Your name by matt and beth redman. seems applicable right now.

tenerife

2007-03-27T01:24:00.000+01:00

yo. heading to tenerife tuesday for a week of sun, good craic, and running.

yes, that's right. physio today gave me leave to run 15 minutes.

woohoo.

back in a week.

paddy's day weekend

2007-03-20T13:39:00.000Z

finished the album early friday morning and andrew posted it up to the replication company in england friday. we could use a good replication place here in NI!

now recovering after a weekend in castlebar, co mayo. up in belfast for half 9 to pick up gear for a five and a half hour drive in cold weather with no heat in the van and windows that didn't shut...oh it was cold!

the weekend was about 'nua' (irish for new), Pete Greig (24-7 ) spoke about prayer, mission, and a calling to live dangerously. not being part of the culture, or a sub-culture, but being a counter-culture. he looked at moses being used in spite of being a murderer (sure and that's not something we tend to focus much attention on in our church services) and how GOD called him back into Egypt where he messed up in the first place. and then at the disciples being commissioned into the world. every wonder why you're complacent in your relationship with GOD? maybe it's because you never went when HE sent you. it was good. challenging and thought provoking.

we got to spend a bunch of time with the emmanuel folks, which was good craic. and the reedstar boys...next album - need to get working on it today...led worship a couple of the sessions.

it was a class weekend but we are wrecked and in need of some serious sleep after the past couple weeks. andrew's gigging tonight and i'm on the couch with a bad sore throat and head cold.

happy paddy's day.

bbc radio 1

2007-03-14T13:16:00.001Z

just in the middle of final mixing and the computer wanted updated. so i've a few minutes to wait before i start the next song...it's all going well, been speaking to the replication place over on the mainland, why are all technologically employed english blokes called Simon?! :)

meanwhile, i'm still gloating over my day yesterday. was up at the studio, spent the first three and a half hours wasting time as the band didn't show up on time. took apart a lexicon effects unit and watched Enda stick his finger on a bit, get a massive shock, and then touch is again to see what would happen. doh. so the band finally came, finally! they are being showcased on BBC Radio 1 tonight and needed recorded. just a three piece, so it was an easy set up, patch in and record. four tracks, recorded and mixed.

not a bad days work, too bad i don't listen to Radio1. (teeheehee)

right, computer's back on. bouncing to disk.

wish my second engineer was here....could do with another ear, MCM.

day in the life of...

2007-03-07T09:10:00.000Z

gorgeous morning for a "jog" (i put jog in quotes here as it's only a jog for 100 paces and only after 300 paces of walking, and only for 20-30 min - so it's not really a jog, more like a slog). the sun in blazing and it's probably about 13C....55F for you Americans, and there's only a very slight bit of wind. a relief from the gales of the past few days.

flowers are blooming everwhere, snowdrops are almost done and the crocuses (or is that croci?) and daffodils are coming out in droves. tulips are starting to make their presence known and my hydrangea bushes are leafing out like they'll be gone tomorrow. can't wait to start weeding that back "garden" that is getting to look like a lawn with all the grass growing.

today i shall return to fighting with autotune. version 5. why on earth cann't all versions be updated at the same time? yesterday i was working on some random version up at amberville, started to get a handle on it all, running everything through an SSL desk is such a delight....only to come home and find that i was running a different version of the program! Doh!

this progect is getting to the line and needs to be finished. vocal editing will be done today. i'm going to have to guarantee that. but now i need to get off this computer and started.

enjoy life.